I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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