My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Randomize
