I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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