hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
