if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
