You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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