My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
