If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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