I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
