I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
