I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
