i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
There r osticjed everywhere
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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