those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize