I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
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