Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Randomize
