I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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