I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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