i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We just shotgunned beers for America
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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