Kareoke will never be a sober sport
You can't motorboat a personality
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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