WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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