I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
