you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
