just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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