Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
