You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
