they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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