You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
