There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
