Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Rumble strips road head = magical
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
