I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
