also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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