I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
