i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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