he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I don't want my vagina anymore.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
