i was born a porn star she said
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
