When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
