She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
