She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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