Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
