he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
