if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
