This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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