Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize