I'm going to jail i love you
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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