I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
