You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
His hands were made for my vagina.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
