i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
