Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
