You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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