and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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