I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
