I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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