Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
