I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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