my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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