She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Randomize