1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
