No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
