You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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