Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
